Redmond, email

I WOULD like to remind you good SM folk that it is 2016, and as such, you have failed in your duty of care by not printing Directions for Use on the front cover. After all, even after one billion litres have been sold, milk companies still print instructions on the milk carton.

Can you imagine the confusion and anxiety you are causing to the magazine consumer? I bet there are loads of Gen Y-ers out there staring mutely at the cover after they press their finger on the photo and nothing happens. A paper-cut injury or worse could happen if someone was to try and scroll down Slim Victor’s Wild At Heart column trying to get to the comments section.

But I won’t just piss and moan about it; I have got off my Khyber Pass and done up the instructions for you.

STREET MACHINE – DIRECTIONS FOR USE 1. Place magazine on bench in shed. 2. Get some Red Rooster – two birds straight off their dyno – and throw in some spares like spuds and gravy. 3. Get your brother/nephew/mates/missus or bloke and rip into the chook. 4. Open pages and ogle all the street machines. 5. Argue, discuss, debate and bench-race until the chook looks like a Willy Nelson X-ray. 6. Flick back to articles and then chip in your two cents’ worth, using the article as reference. 7. Stay in shed yarning cars and looking at this month’s offerings from the street until you’re ready for the Dunlopillo 1000. 8. When finally the chook is in the bin, the last bench-race has been won and you’re farting like a 1952 Bonneville (the chicken’s last cluck), it’s home time.

I hope these instructions are helpful and save a kid from trying to plug in his USB port to Dirty Stuff to get it to scroll.

Keep it Street.