Dadge Oaks, email

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A NEW father is sitting down with his own father for a drink. His dad tells him: “Now that you’re a father yourself, it’s time I give you something.” The new father replies: “Dad, you’re not talking about –” His father interrupts: “Yes. It’s time.” With this, he hands his son a copy of 1000 Dad Jokes, 6th Edition. The new father is overcome with emotion. With a tear in his eye, he says: “Dad, I’m honoured.” His father replies: “Hi Honoured, I’m Dad.” Dadge Oaks, email


THE new CEO of a company comes into work determined to improve productivity and turn things around. Trying to prove himself to his new employees, he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him: “What do you think you’re doing?” “I’m just killing time, waiting to get paid,” the man replies. The CEO is furious. “What do you make a week?” he demands. The man tells him: “About $200 a week.” The CEO pulls out his wallet, hands the man $400 and says: “There’s your two weeks, now get out of here!” After the man leaves, the CEO turns to his employees and asks: “What do you all think about that?” One of the employees stands up and replies: “I think he just got the largest tip he’s ever had on a single pizza.” Rich Driver, email


LITTLE Johnny’s next-door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Johnny’s family to come over and see the new arrival. At the neighbour’s home, little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby’s hand. He looked at its mother and said: “Oh, what a beautiful little baby!” The mother replied: “Thank you very much, Johnny.” Then little Johnny said: “Just look at his pretty little eyes. Did the doctor say he can see well?” “Why, yes,” the mother replied, “the doctor said he has 20/20 vision.” Little Johnny said: “Well, it’s a darn good thing, ’cause he sure as heck can’t wear glasses!” I Ware-Forlzov, email


A NEW jail warden is being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden. After making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, the new warden notices a group of elderly men laughing hysterically. Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out: “63!”, and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by their behaviour. Another yells out: “74!”, and again a chorus of guffaws rings out. The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits. “What are those elderly men doing?” the new warden asks him. The old warden smirks and says: “Oh, those are the lifers. They’ve been in here so long, they’ve heard all the jokes, so now they just number them!” Just then, another man yells out: “14!” Nobody laughs. The new warden leans over and asks: “Why did no one laugh at that one?” The old warden replies: “Some people just can’t tell a joke.” Shirley Yoojest, email


A HORSE walks into a bar. The bartender says: “Hey!” The horse replies: “You read my mind, buddy.” A Bales, email


A COUPLE was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. But on the night, the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but the wife said there was no sense in both of them not having a good time, and insisted he go. So he put on his costume and mask and away he went. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed. After sleeping soundly for about an hour, she awakened to find her headache had gone. So, as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. She knew her husband had never seen her costume, so she thought she would have some fun by watching to see how he acted when he thought she wasn’t around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every beautiful girl he could, stealing kisses here and there. His wife went up to him, and, being a rather seductive lady herself, the husband immediately left the girl he was with high and dry and devoted his time to this new woman. After a while, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars, had a good time, and then went back to the party. Just before unmasking at midnight, the wife slipped away and went home. She put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came home. “How was the party, dear? Did you dance much?” she asked him. “Actually, I never danced at all,” the husband replied. “When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the games room and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!” Iggot Luckie, email


Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed – George Burns


Apparently patience isn't its only virtue