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AN AUTOMOTIVE engineer from a local car manufacturer was made redundant and was having trouble finding a job, so he decided to open a clinic, with a sign outside that said: ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $50; IF NOT CURED, GET $100 BACK’.
A local doctor saw this and thought he’d earn a quick 100 bucks. So he visited the clinic and told the engineer: “I’ve lost my sense of taste.”
The engineer turned to his nurse and said: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box #22 and place three drops onto the patient’s tongue.”
The nurse did as asked, but the doctor immediately spat out the medicine and cried: “This is not medicine, it’s petrol!”
“Congratulations,” the engineer replied. “You have your taste back. That will be $50, thanks.”
The doctor was furious, and after several days he returned to try and get his money back. He told the engineer: “I have lost my memory; I can’t remember a thing.”
“Nurse, please bring the medicine from box #22 and place three drops onto the patient’s tongue,” the engineer instructed the nurse.
“Hold on a minute,” the doctor interjected. “That medicine is for taste.”
“Congrats mate,” the engineer replied. “Your memory is back. That will be $50.”
The doctor was now apoplectic, and after several days he returned for one last try.
“My eyesight has become weak,” he informed the engineer.
“Sorry, I don’t have any medicine for that,” the engineer replied. “Take this $100.”
“This is a $10 note!” the furious doctor yelled.
“Well, looks like your eyesight is all better – that will be $50!”
Di Agnoziz, email
MOTHER: “How was school today, Ralph?”
Ralph: “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Ralph: “What school?”
Holly Daize, email
TWO broke and hungry best friends, Dave and John, go to a pastry shop. With lightning speed Dave suddenly whisks three biscuits from the counter into his pocket. The baker doesn’t notice.
“See how clever I am?” Dave whispers to John. “You’ll never beat that!”
“Oh yeah? Watch this,” John replies. He then says to the baker: “If you give me a biscuit, I can show you a magic trick!”
The baker hands him a biscuit, which he promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: “I’ll need another biscuit before I can perform my magic trick.” The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then John says again: “Give me one more biscuit for the magic trick.” The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad: “So, where is your magic trick?”
John points at Dave and says: “In that guy’s pocket!”
Madge Ickle, email
DURING a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director: “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised?”
“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub; then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No,” the director replied, “a normal person would pull out the plug. Did you want a bed near the window?”
Lou Neebin, email
ONE time we had a vacuum salesman come around. As soon as I opened the door he poured a box full of dirt and fluff all over the floor and said: “If our product doesn’t get rid of all that dirt, I’ll eat it.”
I said to him: “I’ll get you a spoon, then. Our power’s off.”
Dyson Hoover, email
REAL quotes from children’s science exams:
“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”
“When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.”
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
“Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
“Mushrooms always grow in damp places, so they look like umbrellas.”
“The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five: a, e, i, o, and u.”
“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
“Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn foetus, but that is a large misconception.”
“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”
“To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.”
Fay L DeTest, email