THERE is an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman locked up in jail. The three of them plan to break out using a daring escape route that involves them creeping past one of the guards.
The Englishman goes first. All is going well until he accidently makes a noise just as he is creeping past the guard. Thinking quickly, he cries: “Meoowww!”
Convinced this is some stray cat, the guard pays no attention and the Englishman makes his escape.
The Scotsman is next, and again, everything goes according to plan until he is passing the guard, and he too makes a noise. Following the Englishman’s example, he imitates a cat: “Meeeeooowww!”
The guard once again attributes the sound to one of the prison cats and the Scotsman flees to freedom.
The Irishman is the last to attempt his escape. As he is passing the guard, he also creates a small disturbance. But being a quick-thinking Irishman, and having observed the clever imitations of his former cellmates, he immediately exclaims: “It’s okay, I’m a cat as well!”
Fi Lyne, email
A MAN’S wife goes missing while holidaying on the coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old sergeant and a younger constable.
The sergeant says: “Sir, we have some news for you – unfortunately some really bad news, but also some good news and some really good news.”
“Okay,” says the man. “What’s the bad news?” The sergeant says: “I’m terribly sorry, sir, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at a depth of about nine metres in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
“Well,” the sergeant says, “when we got your wife up we found quite a few really good-sized crays and a swag of legal-sized crabs in and around her wetsuit, so we’ve brought you your share.” He hands the bloke a sack full of crayfish and crabs.
“Gee, thanks,” the man says. “They’re bloody beaut; I guess it’s an ill wind and all that. Now
Well, that’s one way to increase attendance. Well, that’s one way to increase attendance. what’s the really good news?”
“Well, sir, me and young Bill here go off duty at around 11 o’clock,” the sergeant says, “and since we got so lucky the first time around we thought we’d head back there and pull her up again! Fancy coming with us?”
Krus Tayshuns, email
PROFESSIONAL HELP WHEN a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed past her. “Step aside, lady,” he barked. “I’ve taken a course in first aid!”
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. “Pardon me,” she said, “but when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m right here.”
Eino Best, email
A MAN goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says: “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammers: “Geez doc, what exactly is my problem?”
The doctor replies: “You’re not drinking enough water.”
H Toowoh, email
FATHER: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack your things – the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
C Yalayta, email
A PSYCHOTHERAPIST who had only been in business a short time was having such success that he could now afford to have a proper banner advertising his wares. So he paid a kid to paint a signboard for him and put it above the entrance to his practice.
But after the sign went up, the psychotherapist noticed business beginning to drop off. He had especially noticed that women had been shying away. Deducing that it must have something to do with the new sign, he went outside to see for himself.
As soon as he saw the sign, he realised why business was bad. The kid had used a wooden board that wasn’t very wide, so he’d had to split the word ‘psychotherapist’ up to get it to fit. The sign read: PSYCHOTHERAPIST.
Mal Praktiss, email
THREE older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said: “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady chimed in: “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one responded: “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem – knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table. Then she said: “That must be the door – I’ll get it!”
Al Symers, email