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A MAN was driving through West Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the bonnet and looked to see if there was anything he could do to get the car going again. Unfortunately, he had limited automotive knowledge, so all he could do was just stare at the engine. Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice: “It’s your fuel pump.” The man stood up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the bonnet. “Who said that?” he demanded.
He noticed two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road. To his amazement, the nearest of the two horses repeated: “It’s your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again.”
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key, and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. “Gimme a large whiskey, please!” he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man’s ashen face and asked: “What’s wrong, man? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“It’s unbelievable,” the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. “A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?”
The man replied in the affirmative. “Yes, it was! Am I crazy?”
“No, you ain’t crazy,” said the rancher. “In fact, you’re lucky; that black horse don’t know shit about cars.”
E Quine, email
A LITTLE boy was sitting in the gutter, playing with a bottle. Just then the local priest walked by and asked: “Hello there young lad! What’s in the bottle?”
“Sulphuric acid!” the little boy replied.
The priest was mortified. “Give that to me!” he demanded. “Take this bottle of holy water instead. It’s just wonderful. Last week I rubbed some of this on the belly of a lady and she passed a beautiful little baby.”
“That’s nothing,” the boy replied. “I rubbed some of this on my dog’s backside and he passed a Porsche!”
R Solburning, email
The culprit is still on the loo-se.
A MAN walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says: “Get out of here with that dog!”
The man replies: “But this isn’t just any dog – this dog can play the piano!”
“Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay, and have a drink on the house,” the bartender says.
So the man sits the dog on the piano stool and the dog starts playing – jazz, classical, blues, rock and more. The bartender and patrons are really enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the man: “What was that all about?”
The man replies: “Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”
Kay Neinn, email
TWO immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other: “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“That seems odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’. One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously: “What part did you get?”
Don Eatitt, email
A LITTLE girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said: “Hey Johnny, wanna play house?”
“Sure!” Johnny replied. “What do you want me to do?”
The girl said: “I want you to communicate.” Johnny scratched his head for a bit before saying: “That word is too big. I don’t know what it means.”
The little girl replied: “Perfect. You can be the husband.”
Jen DeRols, email
WHILE driving along, Tom got a flat tyre, so he pulled over to the kerb right in front of an insane asylum. While he was changing the tyre, he noticed an asylum inmate clinging to the fence and watching him.
Tom removed the lug nuts and placed them in the hubcap. But as he was sliding the old wheel off, he accidentally stepped on the hubcap, and flipping all the lug nuts down a grate into the sewer.
Tom sat on his spare trying to figure out what to do. Just then, he heard a voice from inside the asylum fence. It was the inmate. “Why not take one lug nut off of each of the other wheels and use them to put on your spare,” he suggested.
Tom was amazed. “How did you think of that?” he said.
“Hey buddy,” the inmate replied, “I’m in here for being crazy, not stupid.”
Lou Natick, email
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience – well, that comes from poor judgment – AA Milne