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TWO eager but somewhat dim schoolboys approach the football coach telling him they want to play on his team.
“Okay,” says the coach, “but first I have to give you a test to see if you’re intelligent enough to play on my team.”
So they go to the classroom for the test. The first question on the test is: ‘Old MacDonald had a ____.’ After a few minutes of pondering the question, one of the boys whispers to the other: “Hey, what did old MacDonald have?”
The other boy says: “You dummy! Old MacDonald had a farm!”
“Oh yeah, thanks!” says the first boy.
But a couple of minutes later, the boy again whispers to his friend: “Hey, how do you spell ‘farm’?”
“Are you kidding?” his mate replies. “Don’t you remember the song? E, I, E, O!”
I Kantspell, email
A SHY priest greets the wedding guests out the front of the chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
The ceremony starts and the bride and groom stand in front of the altar. The priest steps up and gives the best sermon anyone has ever heard. He’s full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter.
But after the ceremony, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches him and asks: “Why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that sermon!”
“I know,” says the priest, “but that was just my altar ego.”
Tim Idd, email
A TEENAGE boy complains to his father: “You told me to put a potato in my swimming togs to impress the girls at the pool, but you forgot to mention one thing!”
“Really? What’s that?” his father asked.
The boy replied: “That the potato should go in the front.”
Ivor Biggun, email
A WOMAN goes to her lawyer and tells him: “I want to divorce my husband.”
“Do you have any grounds?” the lawyer asks. “Yes, we have a few acres,” she replies. “But there’s nothing valuable on it.”
“Er, that’s not what I meant,” the lawyer says. “Well, do you have a grudge?”
She replies: “Yes, that’s where I park my car.” The lawyer is irritated now. “Why do you want a divorce?” he cries.
The woman replies: “We have trouble communicating.”
Ms Herd, email
A BLONDE, a brunette and a redhead are all talking about what their dreams were when they were kids.
The brunette says: “I wanted to be a princess.
I was so dumb.”
The redhead says: “I wanted to be a movie star. I was so crazy.”
The blonde says: “I wanted to be the first person to travel around the sun, but I still haven’t given up.”
The brunette tells her: “If you came that close to the sun you would burn.”
The blonde laughs and replies: “I know that, silly! That’s why I would go at night!”
Blaise O’Glory, email
A MAN went to a job interview. The first thing the interviewer told him was: “We are looking for somebody responsible.”
“I’m just the man you’re looking for,” the applicant said. “At my last job, every time anything bad happened, they told me I was responsible.”
Col Pritt, email
TOM is on his deathbed. His pastor comes to see him, but as soon as he stands next to Tom’s bed, his condition worsens. The pastor quickly hands him a piece of paper to write one final message on. Tom scribbles a message and shoves it back to the pastor. The pastor thinks it would be better if he waits to open the message, so he puts it in his pocket. Tom dies.
At Tom’s funeral the pastor decides to share his final note with everyone. He pulls it out and reads it aloud: “Get off of my oxygen tube!”
Supho Kait, email
A WIFE and her husband are at the dentist. The wife tells the dentist: “I don’t have time for anaesthesia, just hurry up and pull it out.”
“You sure are a brave woman,” the dentist replies. “Just show me which tooth it is and you’ll be on your way.”
The woman turns to her husband and says: “Open your mouth, honey.”
X Traction, email
A MAN goes to the supply store and buys 300 baby chickens. He tells the owner: “I’m going to start a chicken farm!”
A couple of weeks later he returns and buys 300 more. The owner thinks it’s weird, but doesn’t ask any questions.
Another couple of weeks later he returns to make the same purchase. At this point the owner is baffled and asks: “Why do you come back every couple of weeks to buy 300 chickens?”
The would-be farmer replies: “Well, I must be doing something wrong. I’m either planting them too deep or too close together.”
E Planteddum, email
WIFE: “How would you describe me?”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, honey! But hang on – what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
Indi Dogghaus, email