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> FUNNY FOTO The cheeky buggers could be trying to steal your catalytic converter.
TWO Irishmen are travelling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.”
On arriving at Sydney Airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says: “That’ll be $50, mate.”
“Oh no you don’t,” one of the Irishmen says. “My dad warned me about you. You’ll only be getting $40 from me!”
The other Irishman adds: “And you’ll only be getting $40 from me too!”
May Beepora, email
A MAN went to his lawyer and told him: “My neighbour owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer.
“No,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $5000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man. “Precisely,” said the lawyer. “That’s what he will reply, and then you’ll have your proof!”
Pru Vitt, email
A FEMALE student comes to a young professor’s office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly in front of him.
“Please, would do anything to pass this exam,” she implores. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do anything.” He returns her gaze. “Anything?”
The professor’s voice drops to a whisper. “Would you... study?”
Fay L DeTest, email
A SPANISH captain is walking on his ship when a soldier rushes up to him and exclaims: “An enemy ship is approaching us!”
The captain replies calmly: “Bring me my red shirt.”
So the soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier says to the captain: “Congratulations sir, but why the red shirt?”
The captain replies: “If I got injured, I did not want my blood to be seen, as I didn’t want my men to lose hope.” Just then, another soldier runs up and says: “Sir, we just spotted another 20 enemy ships!” The captain calmly replies: “Bring me my yellow pants.”
P Ying, email
A YOUNG boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill. “I’ll be darned,” the boy says.
A local pastor hears him and says: “You should not say that, lad. Next time your wheel falls off say: ‘Praise the Lord.’”
So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and again the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill. “Praise the Lord,” the boy says.
With that, the wheel stops rolling, turns around, rolls back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon.
Incredulous, the young boy exclaims: “I’ll be darned!”
Ally Luyah, email
A LAWYER runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop. Being a big-shot lawyer, he thinks he’s smarter than a lowly policeman and reckons he can talk himself out of getting a ticket.
The police officer asks for the lawyer’s licence. “What for?” the lawyer demands.
“You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign,” the officer replies.
The lawyer says: “I slowed down and no one was coming.”
“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. Licence please,” the cop says impatiently.
The lawyer says: “If you can show me the legal difference between ‘slow down’ and ‘stop’, I’ll give you my licence and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
“That sounds fair,” the policeman replies. “Please exit your vehicle.”
The lawyer steps out and the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer with it. “So,” the cop yells, “do you want me to stop or just slow down?”
Vi O’Lence, email
“DOCTOR,” said Steve, “I want to be castrated.”
“What on earth for?” asked Steve’s doctor in amazement.
“I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and I want to have it done,” Steve replied.
“But have you thought it through properly?” the doctor asked. “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!”
“I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind,” Steve declared. “Either you book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply go to another doctor.”
“Well, okay,” the doctor said. “But it’s against my better judgment!”
So Steve had his operation, and the next day he was up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him was another patient, walking exactly the same way.
“Hi there,” Steve said. “It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”
“Yes,” said the patient, “I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.”
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed: “Oh my god! THAT’S the word!”
X Traction, email