LOL

GAG OF THE MONTH

Bill Shock, email

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GAG OF THE MONTH

MONEY NO OBJECT

SEVERAL men are in the locker room of a golf club, when a mobile phone on a bench rings. One of the men switches on the speakerphone to answer it, and everyone else in the room can’t help but listen in.

MAN: “Hello?”

WOMAN: “Hi honey, it’s me; I just saw this beautiful coat in a shop window. It’s only $1000 – is it okay if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you really like it.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one car I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$108,000.” MAN: “Okay, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing: The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking for $980,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go an extra $50,000 if you think it’s really a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “Okay. I’ll see you later! You’re so generous! I love you so much!”

MAN: “You’re worth it. Bye!” The man hangs up, and all the other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment with mouths wide open. The man turns and asks: “Anybody know whose phone this is?”

Bill Shock, email

DREAM ON

A WOMAN was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband: “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring. What do you think it means?” “You’ll find out tonight,” the husband replied. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened the box. Inside was a book entitled The Meaning Of Dreams.

G Thanx, email

MAJOR PROBLEM

A MAJOR arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post,” the private replies.

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.” The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’ – what would remain?”

“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”

“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

Amused, the major answers: “‘Drat’ I guess.”

“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

“There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant,” the major says.

The private replies: “That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant.”

F Innell, email

BAD HAIR DAY

IN THE great desert lived a nomadic tribe. Their leader, Beni, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man’s strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief. But after leading the tribe for many years, Beni began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beard in that hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said: “Don’t you remember the ancient legend, sire? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware.” Beni had heard this legend, but as he considered himself a modern, enlightened thinker, he scoffed at the tale.

So being headstrong, he went ahead and shaved off his once-magnificent beard. But just as the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, but when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood the tribe’s leader. The council then knew the legend to be true: A Beni shaved is a Beni urned.

Clay Pott, email

Q&A

A SCIENTIST gets on an interstate train. Sitting next to him is a poor farmer, so to pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the man.

“You ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer or get it wrong, I’ll pay you $10,” the scientist tells the farmer. “Then I will ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer, you have to pay me $1.”

The farmer thinks for a while and says: “Okay, what has three legs and takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, but only 10 seconds to get back down?”

The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As the train pulls into the station, the scientist is still stumped, so he takes out $10 and gives it to the farmer.

“You win,” he says. “So, what has three legs and takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree but 10 seconds to get back down?”

The farmer takes the $10 and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out $1, hands it to the scientist, and replies: “I don’t know.”

Ty D Proffitt, email

> THOUGHT OF THE MONTH

Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm – Winston Churchill