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THERE were four people aboard a plane that was about to crash, but only three parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who would get the parachutes.
One person said that he was the smartest person in the world, much too smart to die, so he grabbed one of the parachutes and jumped out of the plane.
The second person said that she was too important to die, as she had a family who depended on her. So she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the plane.
Then there was only one parachute left, and two people. One was a 12-year-old boy, and the other was a 75-year-old man.
The old man said: “Well son, have lived a good life, and you are too young to die; you have a long life ahead of you. So you take the last parachute.” The boy replied: “But sir, there are two parachutes left.” “Really? How?” the old man asked. “Well,” replied the boy, “you know that guy who thought he was the smartest person in the world? Before he jumped out, he grabbed my backpack.”
Stu Piddity, email
A MAN in Bulgaria drove trains for a living. He loved his job; driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died.
Needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
At the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, the man managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
Once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people, so he once again found himself sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now. “Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said: “The bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”
N Jinear, email
A MAN comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator to get a beer. Inside, he sees a possum taking a nap.
“What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks.
The possum opens one sleepy eye and says: “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?”
“Um, yes,” the man replies. “It is.”
“Well then,” the possum says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”
Lil Chillie, email
A MARRIED couple who perform in a circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child. The social workers there raise doubts about their suitability, so the couple produce photos of their large motor home, which is clean and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
But the social workers then question what kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying: “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Spanish and computer skills.” But the social workers are still concerned about a child being raised in a circus environment.
“Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare and diet,” the wife says.
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple: “What age child are you looking for?”
The husband says: “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”
Bea Carny, email
THREE couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
“If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex,” says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He asks the elderly couple: “Have you completed the month without sex?”
“Yes we have; it was easy,” they reply.
“How about you?” he asks the middle-aged couple.
“It was difficult, but we didn’t have sex for the whole month,” they respond.
“And how about you two?” he asks the young couple.
“No, we couldn’t do it,” the boyfriend replies. “Tell me why,” says the priest.
“Well, my girlfriend was holding a can of corn but accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up, and, er, it just sort of happened.”
“Then I’m afraid you’re not welcome in my church,” the priest says.
The girlfriend says: “We’re no longer welcome in the supermarket either.”
Penny Trayshon, email
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last – Oscar Wilde