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A NEWLYWED couple gets a special present for their wedding: a brand new sports car. As they leave the wedding, they’re so excited they drive faster than they ever have.
“Faster! Faster!” yells the bride.
“I’ll make you a deal,” says the groom with a smile. “If I do 200 km/h, you take off your dress. Deal?” “Yes!” says his adventurous wife.
So as he gets up to 200, she peels off her dress. The groom is unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car soon skids onto some gravel and flips over. The naked bride is fine, but the groom gets jammed beneath the steering wheel.
“Go and get help!” he cries.
“But I can’t, I’m naked and my clothes are gone!” the bride replies.
“Take my shoe,” the groom says, “and cover yourself.” So, holding the shoe over her private area, the woman runs down the road and finds a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleads to the service station proprietor: “Please help me! My husband’s stuck!” The proprietor looks at the shoe and says: “I don’t think there’s anything I can do, love – he’s in too far.”
E Izstuck, email
A MAN and his wife are driving through the Welsh countryside when they come across a road sign that reads: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
The husband says the name and his wife laughs. “That’s not how you pronounce it,” she says, and proceeds to say it herself. Her husband nearly crashes the car laughing, and they start debating how to pronounce the name.
Well, the debate soon becomes an argument, and coming up to lunchtime they pull into a restaurant in the town whose name has caused the disagreement. They have a quick bite to eat, and as they’re paying their bill, the wife says to the cashier: “Excuse me, but would you mind settling argument between husband an my and me? Could you possibly pronounce the name of where we are? Only please do it very, very slowly.”
The cashier leans forward and says: “ B u u u u u r r r r r r g g g g g e e e e e e r r r r r r Kiiiiinnnnnggggg.”
IM Welsh, email
A COUNT who was the leader of a rebel movement was thrown into prison. The king confronted him and demanded to know the names of the other rebels. The count refused to reveal their identities – even under torture.
“Behead him!” the king ordered! So the count was dragged to the place of execution.
“If you tell me the names I want, I will spare you,” the king said.
Still the count refused to talk.
As the count’s head was positioned under the blade, the king warned: “This is your last chance!” The rebel remained silent.
“Go ahead,” the king ordered. The executioner made his move.
Just at that moment, the count’s nerve finally broke: “Wait! Wait! I’ll tell you –” but it was too late. The axe had done its work.
Furious, the king turned to the executioner. “How often have I told you,” he yelled, “not to hatchet your counts before they chicken?” Dee Kapitate, email
LATE one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man: “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”
The man replies: “Yes am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.” The cop gives him a sceptical look and says: “Were you the one being robbed?”
The man casually replies: “No, I committed the robbery.”
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. “So you’re telling me you were speeding and committed a robbery?”
“Yes,” the man calmly says. “I have the loot in the back.”
The cop begins to get angry. “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.” The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully. “I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!” The cop pulls his hand out.
“Wait here,” he says.
The cop calls for back-up. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over: “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.” The man replies: “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”
Col Pritt, email
I ONCE got into so much debt that I couldn’t even afford my electricity bills. They were the darkest times of my life.
EVER heard of that movie Constipation? It never came out.
MY DOG used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad that finally I had to take his bike away.
MY DAD used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show. They couldn’t find another man of his calibre.
I’VE started using garlic in my magic act. First start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then blend them altogether with some parmesan and olive oil. Then, hey pesto!
WHAT do you call Iron Man without his suit? Stark naked.
AN AUTHOR mate of mine claims that he ‘accidentally’ glued himself autobiography, to his but I don’t believe him. Still, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
Dadge Oaks, email
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason – Mark Twain