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Sar Koffigus, email

Send your favourite funnies to: LOL, Street Machine, Locked Bag 12, Oakleigh, Vic 3166 or email them to: streetmachine@bauer-media.com.au.

> GAG OF THE MONTH

GRAVE SITUATION

A MAN is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Walking faster, he looks back, and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

The man runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping: Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!

The man, now beside himself with fear, rushes upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH, the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, to use as a weapon, and manages to grab hold of a large bottle of cough syrup from the medicine cabinet. Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the casket.

The coffin stops.

Sar Koffigus, email

ONE TRUE GOD

A GERMAN Shepherd, a Doberman and a cat have died. All three are faced with God, who wants to know what they believe in.

The German Shepherd says: “I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master.”

“Good,” says God. “Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answers: “I believe in the love, care and protection of my master.” “You may sit to my left,” says God.

Then he looks at the cat and asks: “And what do you believe in?” The cat answers: “I believe you’re sitting in my seat.”

Fi Lyne-Dayetty, email

> FUNNY FOTO

Just in case anyone out there isn’t hip to the whole ‘fire’ thing.

W OR V?

TWO students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word ‘Hawaii’. One student insisted that it was ‘Hawaii’, with a ‘w’ sound, while the other student was certain it was pronounced ‘Havaii’, with a ‘v’ sound.

Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said: “It’s Havaii.” The student who was correct was very happy, and thanked the old man.

The old man replied: “You’re velcome.”

Polly Neesian, email

MONK-Y BUSINESS

A MAN is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says: “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.

But as the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say: “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed, but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down again in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and once again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply: “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says: “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out about the sound is to become a monk, how do I become one?”

The monks reply: “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” So the man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says: “I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,975,129,382 pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply: “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says: “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says: “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say: “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved and excited. Hands trembling, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to finally discover the source of that strange sound.

Unfortunately, can’t tell you what it is, because you’re not a monk.

Vowov Sylentz, email

> THOUGHT OF THE MONTH

A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love – Friedrich Nietzsche