LOL

Send your favourite funnies to: LOL, Street Machine, Locked Bag 12, Oakleigh, Vic 3166 or email them to:

Send your favourite funnies to: LOL, Street Machine, Locked Bag 12, Oakleigh, Vic 3166 or email them to: streetmachine@bauer-media.com.au.

> FUNNY

I would very be surprised.

SUSPECT METHODS

> GAG OF THE MONTH

A SENIOR detective is training three officers to become detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows each of them the same photo for five seconds and then hides it.

“This is your suspect; how would you recognise him?” he asks the first officer.

“That’s easy,” the first officer answers. “He only has one eye!”

The senior detective is taken aback somewhat. “Well, er, that’s because the photo only shows his profile,” he says.

He then shows the photo to the second officer and asks him: “This is your suspect; how would you recognise him?”

The second officer laughs. “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

Annoyed, the senior detective says:

“What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing; this guy’s been photographed in profile!”

Frustrated, he shows the photo to the third officer. “This is your suspect; how would you recognise him? And try to give me a sensible answer!”

The third officer looks at the picture intently for a moment and says: “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

The senior detective is very surprised, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer,” he says. “Let me check his file.”

He goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, then returns to the room with the three trainees. “Well, it’s true!” he exclaims. “The suspect does indeed wear contact lenses. Good work, officer! But tell me, how did you know?”

“That’s easy,” the third officer replies. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

Havana Clew, email

CRIMINAL DEEDS

THIS bloke was working in a lab that had bred a strain of dolphins that could live forever as long as they were fed seagulls every day. One day the lab ran out of seagulls and the bloke had to run out and get some. As he neared the beach, he saw a group of lions sleeping in the path.

Carefully, he stepped over the lions, dashed down to the beach and collected some seagulls. Unfortunately, as he was returning to the lab, he was arrested for transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Dadge Oaks, email

EXTINCTION EVENT

THREE dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.

“I can grant three wishes, so I’ll give one to each of you,” the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard. “All right,” he says, “I’ll have a big, juicy piece of meat.” Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he’s ever seen appears in front of him.

The second dinosaur thinks even harder. “I know! I’ll have a shower of meat!” Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur is certainly not to be outdone by the second dinosaur, and cries: “I want a meatier shower!”

And that’s why dinosaurs no longer exist.

Di Nosaw, email

HAPPY MEAL

TWO cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says: “Hey, do you taste something funny?”

Con Shewmabbel, email

LIGHT DUTIES

TWO factory workers are talking. One says: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

“And how would you do that?” the other asks.

“Just wait and see,” the first one says. She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says: “What are you doing?” “I’m a light bulb,” the woman says.

“You’ve been working so much you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off,” the boss says.

So the woman starts leave and her co-worker to gets up to follow her.

“Where do you think you’re going?” demands the boss of the second worker.

“I’m going home, too,” the second worker replies. “I can’t work in the dark.”

Lou Minnus, email

POOR TASTE

A LECTURER teaching medicine was in front of his class. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. “This,” he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of colour, smell, sight and taste.”

He then dipped his finger into the liquid in the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement and disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger in my mouth.”

P Drinker, email

GOLF PRO

AS A COUPLE approaches the altar to get married, the groom tells his wife-to-be: “Honey, I’ve got something to confess: I’m a golf nut, and every chance I get, I’ll be playing golf!”

“Since we’re being honest,” replies the bride, “I have to tell you that I’m a hooker.”

“That’s okay, honey,” the groom replies. “You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”

Al Batross, email

THOUGHT OF THE MONTH

Electricity is really just organised lightning – George Carlin