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A MAN is getting into the shower just after his wife has finished her shower. Just then, the doorbell rings, so the wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
She opens the front door to see Bob, the next-door neighbour, standing there. Before she can say a word, Bob says: “I’ll give you $900 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After admiring the view for a few seconds, Bob hands her $900 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps the towel around herself again and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks: “Who was that?”
“It was just Bob,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says. “Did he say anything about the $900 he owes me?”
I O’Ewe, email
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa – half-discovered, half-wild; fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe – well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain – very hot, relaxed and comfortable with her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece – gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel – has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada – self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet – wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past, the wisdom of the ages, and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 18 and death, a man is like North Korea and the United States – ruled by a pair of nuts.
Itzat Simpel, email
A CROW was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him: “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
“Sure, why not?” the crow replied.
So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. Almost immediately, a fox jumped on the rabbit and ate him.
Moral of the story: To be sitting around doing nothing, you must be very high up.
Rhi Lack-Sayshon, email
A PROFESSOR, a CEO and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says: “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
“Okay, I’ll be a primary school teacher,” says the professor. “What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of six-year-olds how to read?” Instantly, he is teleported into a classroom. But after a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets on his nerves, so he throws all his classroom supplies on the ground and gives up.
The CEO says: “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. It’s easy.” He is instantly teleported into a restaurant. But after about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
“I’ll be an artist,” the janitor says, and he is instantly transported to an art studio. He takes all the classroom supplies and shattered plates that the professor and CEO dropped and glues them to a canvas, then sells it for a million dollars.
The fairy asks the janitor: “How did you know how to do that?” The janitor replies: “I’ve got a master’s degree in art.”
Con R Tistt, email
A WOMAN goes into a restaurant with her 15 kids. Of course, the kids start goofing around while she’s trying to talk to the waitress. Irritated, she yells: “Eddie! Stop that, or else!” Straight away, all 15 boys sit down, quiet as church mice.
“Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddie?” the waitress asks her.
“Yep,” the woman replies. “Makes it easier than trying to remember who’s who.”
“But what if you only want to talk to one of them?” the waitress asks.
“Well, then I just call them by their last names.”
Eddie B Kwiet, email
I HAVE a fear of over-designed buildings. I have a complex complex complex.
MY INSTRUCTOR just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime. It must have been something I said.
I WASN’T close to my dad when he died. Which is lucky, because he stepped on a land mine.
CONJUNCTIVITIS.COM – Now there’s a site for sore eyes!
WHEN was a young kid my dad taught me how to swim by throwing me in the deep end of a pool. Swimming to the ladder was easy; getting out of the sack was the hard part.
I USED to have a third nipple. It feels good to get that off my chest.
MY GIRLFRIEND said I have no sense of direction. So I packed my stuff and right.
MY DAUGHTER asked me to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe… Later on, my wife told me to stop singing I’m A Believer or she’d kill me. I thought she was joking – and then I saw her face...
B Lever, email
– Mae West