LOL

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Steven Wright

> GAG OF THE MONTH

THE JIG IS UP

A BLONDE phones her boyfriend and says: “Please come over here and help me. have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.” “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” the boyfriend asks.

“According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster,” the blonde replies.

So her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. The blonde lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box.

“First of all,” he says, “no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” He then takes her hand and says: “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then” – he sighs deeply – “let’s put all these corn flakes back in the box.”

Miss N Peesis, email

CADDY SLACK

ARTHUR is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife, “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once hit the ball I can’t see where it goes.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says:

“Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try?” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and asks: “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” the brother-in-law answers.

“I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.

The brother-in-law replies: “I don’t remember.”

E Forgott, email

GETTING AHEAD

A PROFESSIONAL gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into heaven. Drawing on his experience, he immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. So he taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder and asks: “Hey, want to make a bet while we wait? If I can guess your last words, you have to let me cut ahead of you.” The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees.

Immediately, the gambler begins ‘reading’ him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly man’s shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks. The gambler declares: “Your last words were: ‘Don’t be silly, it’s just indigestion.’”

The old man looks a bit surprised, but duly steps aside, giving up his place in line. Next, the gambler taps on a redneck’s shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts. “This one’s easy!” the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass-stained redneck with the caved in skull. “Your last words were: “Hold my beer!’”

Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line.

On a winning streak, the gambler wastes no time in betting the next man ahead of him.

The gambler studies this new guy carefully. He’s large, imposing, and riddled with several bullet holes.

The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. “You ain’t taking me alive!” The man shakes his head. “Wrong!” he crows. The gambler strokes his chin. This guy is giving him nothing else to work with. The gambler’s getting frustrated now; he’s never been unable to read someone before. After thinking some more, the gambler finally admits defeat, throwing his hands in the air and shouting: “I give up!” The man steps aside.

Fancia Wager, email

PARROT FASHION

A LADY went to her parish priest one day and told him: “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest asked.

“They say: ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’” the woman said, blushing in embarrassment.

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought a minute and then said: “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with my parrots. They can teach your parrots to pray and worship!”

So the next day, the lady brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in the cage with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

Hal E Looyah, email

> THOUGHT OF THE MONTH

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered french toast during the Renaissance

Steven Wright